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People often ask what it takes to become a better lover. In many cases, this question is based on a premise that there are specific techniques and abilities that can be learned and that mastering these techniques will guarantee success as a lover. This misguided belief has spawned a huge industry – sex manuals, how-to books and instructional videos – as if sexual prowess could be developed with a paint-by-numbers approach. There is nothing wrong with sex manuals and instructional materials. There is great value in learning techniques and developing skills, but skills and techniques can only take you so far.
Tantric erogenous zones or Kama Marmas can be used in a systematic way of stimulating different parts of the body to build arousal. The approach is very powerful and effective, but it does not work the same way for everybody. Different people respond differently, and the stimulation of certain zones may be delightful for some and extremely unpleasant for others. Kissing or licking the navel, for example, feels exquisite to most people, but in some instances this part of the body is simply too sensitive and stimulating it can be a terrible turn-off.
The key to becoming a better lover lies in developing the ability to pay attention. While this may sound simple, it is a complex and challenging process. The state of sexual excitement is an intense one. It is easy to be so absorbed by your own experience and sensation or so consumed by your own desire for gratification that you lose awareness of your partner’s state. By remaining attentive to your partner and more focused on his or her pleasure than on your own, you will become a more skillful lover than anyone who has learned a variety of techniques by rote.
Learning to pay attention requires developing what is, for many, an entirely new attitude toward sexuality. There are three key elements. First, you must view sexual activity as an adventure, as something to be explored consciously and with awareness. In this culture, people generally expect that sex will happen “naturally” and believe that there’s no need to think much about it. While there is some truth to this notion, sex that happens unconsciously is usually not very good or satisfying. Second, you must develop the ability to communicate openly and honestly about sex, to ask your partner what feels good and to express and explain what feels good to you. Finally, if you can learn to be focused on your partner and to observe the way he or she responds, you can orchestrate your sexual encounters so that you can both reach new heights of ecstasy. Without attentiveness, technical skills are likely to fail you, but in the hands and body of an attentive lover, techniques can be the tools of a master.
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